Understanding the Complex Factors Behind Sexual Attraction
Sexual attraction is a multifaceted phenomenon influenced by various factors, a topic frequently explored in discussions with my clients as a sex therapist and coach. It's crucial to recognize that sexual attraction differs from sexual desire. In this post, we'll delve into two primary factors that shape how we become sexually attracted to someone, along with some additional intriguing considerations.
Factors that Influence Sexual Attraction:
1. Mood
According to sex researcher Justin Lehmiller in his book "The Psychology of Human Sexuality," our mood significantly impacts our sexual attraction. He refers to a study conducted by Krosnick, Betz, Jussim & Lynn in 1992, which explored the effects of presenting individuals with either positive or negative stimuli before meeting strangers. The results revealed that those who had seen images of kittens responded more positively to strangers, while those exposed to images of snakes in a bucket reacted more negatively to unfamiliar individuals.
This phenomenon can be interpreted as a form of classical conditioning, as Lehmiller suggests. The concept that we are more likely to be sexually attracted to someone when we are in a positive mood or when they make us feel good may not be surprising. However, it contradicts certain tactics commonly advocated by "pick-up artists." One such method, known as "negging," involves using negative comments to capture someone's attention. For example, offering a backhanded compliment like, "Your sweater is lovely, but too bad the trousers don't match." However, this approach is flawed for several reasons. Not only is it generally unkind, but it also tends not to be effective. Research and science indicate that people are more likely to be attracted to someone when they themselves are feeling good. Therefore, insulting them is not a productive strategy.
2. Similarity
Another noteworthy factor influencing sexual attraction is similarity. Lehmiller argues that this factor plays a role in partner selection. People often choose partners who are roughly as physically attractive as they are, which extends to intellectual compatibility.
It's important to note that not everyone adheres to this pattern, and individual experiences vary. Nevertheless, the pattern of seeking similarity is a recurring theme. However, it's worth mentioning that while similarity can affect initial attraction, it does not guarantee relationship happiness or longevity. Contrary to what dating sites' matching algorithms might suggest, science does not confirm that similarity equates to lasting happiness in a relationship. As relationships progress, factors like creating intimacy, sharing moments of closeness throughout the day, and building emotional intimacy, which transcends mere similarity, become vital. Sexual attraction, which may have been initially driven by commonalities or differences, cannot be the sole sustaining force. Commitment, love, and attachment also come into play over time.
Additional Factors Impacting Sexual Attraction:
3. Potential Competitiveness & Achievement
An intriguing study from 1965 explores how others' descriptions can influence our perception of someone's attractiveness. Descriptions were categorized as solely positive, solely negative, negative initially then positive, or positive initially then negative. The results demonstrated that people were most attracted to those described by others as transitioning from disliking to liking them. This phenomenon raises questions about whether it reflects a human inclination for competitiveness or a sense of achievement when someone shifts from disliking to liking us. In essence, do we feel that we have earned their attraction, thus triggering our sexual interest?
4. Human-ness
Another study highlighted by Lehmiller investigates the impact of clumsiness and minor mistakes on sexual attraction. It revealed that when we perceive successful or intelligent individuals making slight errors, such as spilling wine on their shirt, we find them more attractive. The assumption is that these individuals, especially those we view as successful, appear more relatable when they display vulnerability through minor mistakes. This "human-ness" factor amplifies sexual attraction. Interestingly, the same effect does not occur when someone we consider mediocre makes a similar error, raising questions about fairness in this context.
Sexual Attraction Is a Complex Process
Understanding how we become sexually attracted to someone is far from straightforward. It can depend on a variety of factors, from perceived success to winning people over and shared similarities. A deeper comprehension of these attraction triggers can facilitate efforts to reignite sexual attraction within a relationship. It's essential to focus on the qualities that initially drew you together. However, as time progresses, sustaining a bond relies on elements like commitment, love, and attachment. Sexual attraction, while significant, is just one piece of the intricate relationship puzzle.
If you're seeking to revive the sparks of attraction within your relationship, consider exploring the online program Re:Desire. This program is designed to enhance desire and intimacy in relationships, free from pressure and stress. It combines sexological science with coaching and psychotherapy tools, drawing on extensive experience as a coach and therapist.
Remember, regardless of your current feelings about your relationship, if you've experienced attraction before, you can rekindle that flame. It's one of the essential aspects of maintaining a thriving long-term relationship.