Alice Child is a Sydney based Somatic Sexologist and Sex and Intimacy Coach and founder of Vulvar Conversations. She specializes in working with individuals, couples and groups and is committed to helping people achieve a more satisfying, healthy and fulfilling sex life, tailored to their unique needs. For more information, you can visit her website.
In contemporary society, the concept of "hot sex" is often narrowly understood to mean intense, passionate, fast-paced, energetic penile penetration of the vagina. Not only does this view fail to represent the diversity of bodies and sexual behaviors, but it also paints a limited and uninteresting picture of what constitutes a satisfying sexual experience, even in heterosexual relationships.
For more stories about intimacy, check out our Life section. In addition, adherence to this monolithic concept of "hot sex" can be harmful to relationships because it is inconsistent with many people's different preferences and experiences that lead to good sexual encounters. In addition, it's not always realistic to expect this level of intensity every night. Sometimes a more laid-back, laid-back approach to intimacy is needed.
The concept of "warm sex" or "lazy sex" was introduced by sex therapist Dr. Jack Morin in his book The Erotic Mind. According to him, "warm sex" is characterized by calmer encounters that involve sensuality, affection, pleasure and playful fun.
While warm sex can provide great pleasure and promote connection, intimacy and enjoyment, it is unique in that it does not have orgasm or high levels of sexual arousal as its primary goal. Instead, the focus is on fostering a sense of connection, savoring sensuality and deriving pleasure from the experience.
There's more to Warm Sex than a preference for low-energy touch or more receptive sexual positions. Notably, as Dr. Jack Morin emphasizes, it plays a crucial role in maintaining long-term relationships and coping with periods of diminished libido.
In a seeming contradiction, Dr. Morin emphasizes that it is crucial for lasting and successful couples to develop an appreciation for warm sex. This is especially important during phases of diminished desire, such as postpartum. In this context, warm sex is a means for couples to maintain a physical connection that contributes to an ongoing awareness of each other from a sexual perspective.
Dr. Jack Morin further emphasizes that he has never seen a couple successfully rekindle their sexual relationship after five or more years of not seeing each other in an erotic light. Therefore, warm sex is vital to sustaining the flame of intimacy. In addition, there are various reasons for receiving low-energy sexual experiences:
Sometimes the energy required for high-intensity and exotic sexual positions may be inconsistent with our emotions.
Many sexual intercourse positions are designed for able-bodied people, but sex and pleasure should be inclusive and workable for everyone.
certain positions may cause discomfort or pain in specific bodies, necessitating a shift to more comfortable alternatives.
changes in the body over time may make certain poses unattainable or less pleasurable, prompting exploration of alternatives.
5. Performance Anxiety and Erectile Difficulty
Expectations of sex can mirror high-energy depictions in pornography, which can exacerbate performance anxiety and lead to erectile difficulties. Removing the pressure of high-energy encounters can alleviate these challenges.
Slow, gentle sexual experiences can be beneficial for people with a history of trauma, providing a way to rebuild a sense of security, trust and control.
7. Enhanced pleasure
Warm or languid sex, characterized by a slower, gentler pace, fosters intimacy and deep connection, allowing individuals to surrender to more subtle sensations.
Embracing different sexual scripts can add curiosity and fun to our sex lives, making the overall experience more interesting.
The exploration of sexual connection and intimacy varies from person to person, and some of the most extraordinary, enjoyable, intimate and connected experiences can be realized without penetration. Consider the following ideas:
1. Tantric and Erotic Massage
Engage in the art of Tantric and Erotic massage to create a sensual and intimate atmosphere.
2. Slow Oral Sex or 69
Explore the pleasure of slow, deliberate oral sex or the intimacy of the 69 position.
3. Sensory Play
Delve into sensory play, exploring different textures and stimulation to enhance the overall experience.
4. Sensual Bondage or Shibari Rope Course
Try a Sensual Bondage or Shibari Rope Course to add an element of fun and restraint.
5. Role Play/Dirty Talk
Add fun by role playing scenarios and indulging in dirty talk to stimulate the imagination.
6. Sensual masturbation in front of each other
Share the intimate experience of sensual self-pleasure by masturbating in front of each other.
7. sexting or sharing nudity
Foster connection by sexting or sharing intimate photos to explore desire from a distance.
Surprise your partner with a naughty wank in an unexpected place: Surprise your partner with a naughty wank in an unexpected and exciting location.
8. Use sex toys with each other
Incorporate sex toys into your intimate moments and take turns using them with each other for added fun.
9. Sensual fingering
Explore the art of sensual fingering, focusing on touch and connection without penetration.
These activities demonstrate the many ways individuals can experience deep intimacy and pleasure without having to involve penetration.
Spooning is a personal favorite of mine! Position yourself with one partner as the big spoon and the other as the little spoon. Let the big spoon's hands explore the little spoon's body, kissing and caressing as much as you want along the neck and back. If the big spoon has a penis, this position is ideal for penetration, offering a depth that is not as intense as the other positions but still very pleasurable, providing excellent G-spot action for vaginal and anal penetration.
The experience is enhanced by incorporating subtle rocking or grinding motions to increase friction and pleasure without excessive effort or challenging backbends. In essence, it captures the essence of rear-entry without the associated physical demands. Additionally, the hands of the larger spoon can wrap around the smaller spoon, providing additional stimulation to areas such as the nipples, clitoris, penis and the entire body.
2. Lazy 69 (lying on your side)
Lazy 69 is a variation of the popular position that requires both partners to lie on their sides so that one doesn't need to be on top, which might otherwise be exhausting. Place one person's feet on the top of the bed and the other person's feet on the bottom. Gradually move closer to each other until you are facing each other's genitals, allowing exploration with hands and mouths. This position exudes a seductive languor while remaining highly sensual.
3. flat missionary
Flat missionary is a lighthearted adaptation of the classic missionary, where one person lies on their back and the other usually kneels between their legs for penetration. In this languid performance, the person on top also leans in to promote skin-to-skin contact. This position also offers the added benefit of kissing, establishing eye contact, and promoting friction between each other's bodies. It particularly caters to external clitoral stimulation, making it highly intimate, pleasurable and low-energy.
4. in front of you
This has proven to be an excellent, laid-back position, especially when one partner is low on energy and the other is ready for more action. To indulge, lie prone and enjoy the pleasurable sensation of submission. For an added layer of fun, consider installing a vibrator underneath you for gentle rocking or grinding motions.
A second person takes charge, sitting across you while providing a soothing massage to your back, buttocks, legs, anus and genitals. In this tranquil environment, both anal and vaginal penetration can be incredibly pleasurable whenever it feels right. To improve accessibility, it may be helpful to place a cushion under the buttocks. To create a deeper connection, the person on top can lie down, enhancing skin-to-skin contact and the overall intimate experience.
5.Rest your head on your lap
Choose a relaxed approach to oral pleasure by snuggling comfortably into your partner's lap and resting your head on their thigh. This position offers a great way to explore their genitals with your mouth and hands and is suitable for all types of anatomy. Whether you are lying in bed or sitting on the couch while your partner sits, this setup allows for intimate exploration.
Discover the allure of watching your partner self-pleasure - a sensual and enlightening experience. Mutual masturbation becomes an excellent option for lazy but very intimate encounters when you crave physical intimacy without the energy drain. Recognizing that self-pleasure can be more direct, this activity also allows one person to touch themselves while the other enjoys the view. The observer can promote intimacy by lying on their partner's chest, caressing their body, and whispering tantalizing affirmations in their ear.
Enter the realm of tantric intimacy through the mesmerizing Yab Yum pose. In this mesmerizing pose, one person sits up straight with their legs stretched forward while the other faces them and sits in their lap with their legs resting on top of their legs (see an example here). This pose can involve penetration, or it can simply foster a deeply intense and interconnected experience.
Enhance the Yab Yum experience by incorporating elements such as sustained eye contact, synchronized breathing, placing your hands tenderly over each other's hearts, gently touching your foreheads, rubbing your bodies against each other, or swaying together. The essence is to cultivate a sense of presence, deep connection, and harmonization of each other's bodies, with a focus on embracing an unhurried pace.